There Once Was a Tunnel

Are there any train lovers out there? Specifically, are there any tunnel lovers out there? I absolutely love tunnels. I love everything about them – their darkness, cave-like qualities, echoes, and the fact that almost always, there is literally a light at the end. I have driven through tunnels dug into mountains, giant underground tunnels carrying foot and automobile traffic underneath large cities, and I have walked through tunnels underneath streets and carved into the trunks of giant redwoods in California. The whole concept of tunnels and their different types fascinates me. Plus, echoes, amiright?

Have any of you ever watched the show on public television about time-traveling dinosaurs? One of my favorite parts of the show is where the dinosaurs hop on the train and go through the “Time Tunnel” to jump between different time periods, experiencing life as they have never seen it and meeting creatures that would otherwise be physically and historically impossible to share common space with.

There’s a reason why tunnels have become so cliché as a descriptor for phases we go through in life. When we feel like we’re in a tunnel we feel dark, clammy, isolated. To our ears the only voice answering back when we timidly cry out our questions is our own as it emptily rumbles through the seemingly endless chamber. More often than not, our life tunnels may seem like they are never-ending, and it’s hard to see any glimmer of light in sight. It’s like instead of a tunnel, we have entered a cave and are continuously delving deeper and deeper underground, and goshdarnit, we forgot our headlamp.

Did you know there are tunnels specific to parenting, especially if the parent is a stay-at-home parent?

Parenting tunnels can resemble time tunnels, and when we finally see the end and pry ourselves out, the rest of our world has moved on and we feel completely out of touch, almost as if we have to start over. Friendships change, jobs change, technology changes, politics change, and current events change. Unless we have specific plans in place to counter the effects of parenting tunnels, tunnels leave us irrevocably changed. Or is it the world around us that actually changes while time slows to a standstill for us while we’re in the trenches?

All are rhetorical questions, and quite subjective to the individual. Tunnels can be anything and everything in between.

There are smaller parenting tunnels, and I generally like to group them in terms of the age of the child. For instance, the stage between birth and six months when the child’s personality really starts developing is perhaps one of the hardest tunnels for parents. It can be a long, sleep-deprived, poopy, stinky scream-fest. If you’re one of the lucky ones, you may be a little less sleep-deprived, but all of us have had the poopy, stinky scream-fest at one point or another.

I have recently come out of one of the bigger parenting tunnels, the space where a child is between infancy and two-years-old. During this tunnel, changing nap times and habits made me feel chained to a clock and chained to my house, as I was nursing for a good part of it and my littlest finally morphed out of the morning nap time.

This is an interesting place to be, personally. It’s the first time in over eight years that I haven’t been planning my life around the potential of having a child in infancy or under two. I’m ready to rejoin the regular world, but I’m not quite sure what that looks like yet.

I have worked from home part-time the last couple years, and thought I’d probably not find something full-time until the youngest gets into school, but I’m realizing that might not be the best idea for me personally. I need something more.

But reentering the workforce and revamping a resume present their own challenges.

Just because I haven’t worked full-time in the “real world” for so long doesn’t mean that I have lost my skills and abilities, or my natural talents for business, administration, research, leading and team-building. I still have my bachelor’s degree and master’s degree and I am still an asset to society and would be an asset to any company. I know this in my gut, but I must remind my mind of this as I cautiously delve back into the world of resumes and careers, and people who never took a step away from their career trajectory.

Just because our focus changes for a bit as stay-at-home moms doesn’t mean that we stop using the skillsets that got us promotions and raises in the past. If anything, we have fine-tuned our skills related to mediation and conflict resolution, negotiation, discernment and multi-tasking while under constant emotional and physical strain, which are all critical assets in the workplace.

What do you do if you’re in a parenting tunnel?

My advice to you if you’re in a parenting tunnel, especially as a SAHM? Don’t sell yourself short. You matter, and not just to the little people in your care. The world needs you, just as you are, and you are greatly loved. It’s okay to be angry, frustrated and exhausted. It’s okay to try and fail, or to fight to do what you are really, really passionate about. It’s okay to not know what in the heck you want to do, just promise me you’ll keep searching for the thing that you can do which fills your heart.

Darkness doesn’t mean degradation. Passage of time doesn’t mean weakness. Isolation may seem more than temporary, but I promise you, there are people willing to step in and give you a shoulder to lean on if you simply ask. If you’re in a tunnel, you’re not the only person who has ever been where you are. Someone was there before, carving it out.

And if you happen to be a courageous tunnel-carver, be encouraged that you’re providing a whole new way for someone to get through her mountain.

By nature, tunnels aren’t permanent. Even if you have to backtrack and go out the way you came in – and sometimes this might be the best course of action – there’s always a way out. You will get through.