You Might Be the Parent of a Toddler When…
- every photo you have of the child is blurry or at an odd angle. Said child is either trying to Houdini her way out of the photo by running, squatting, turning, jumping, squirming, sticking her tongue out, et cetera. You try taking nonchalant photos from above, below, or from the side so as not to give the impression to said child that you’re actually taking a photo of said child. You may or may not have phantom appendages of helpful parents or siblings in the edges of the photo that you have to creatively crop out. Grimaces, strange faces or maniacal laughter from accompanying siblings in said photo are optional. Christmas cards? Maybe when she’s 12.
- every video you try to take of the child ends with a Jaws-like head-on approach to the camera from said child as the child senses she is having a video taken of herself and she wants to watch said video. Right. Now. You have a window of exactly 1.3 seconds to get the perfect shot of any new, cute activity, so if you snooze, you lose.
- you’re looking for something important that the child has been seen recently touching and now is missing, like car keys, socks, remotes, or pot holders (true story). You try to ask questions which elicit actual word responses and hope that said child remembered what she did with it and that she might eventually lead you to it, but every possible suggestion of where the item might be is answered with an enthusiastic, “Uh huh!” So you do a quick search of the entire house and come away empty-handed, only to have your oldest child find the missing item in her school backpack. Just be glad it wasn’t in the toilet.
- you try to give your child her choice of two scenarios, only to have said child give you a third or fourth option every. Single. Time. And she refuses to even contemplate the original two items. As an alternative, you give your child the choice between her purple flower pajamas or her favorite orange pumpkin pajamas, she selects the purple pajamas which you start putting on her and she immediately changes her mind and decides she wants the pumpkin pajamas. And then when you switch gears and start changing her into the pumpkin pajamas, she wants the purple pajamas again. So you just give up and let her go naked. Or at least wish you could. If you choose the naked route, be sure to either duct tape the diaper or just put it on backward first.
- she stops dead in her tracks while playing, runs to some out of the way hiding place, squats or braces herself and starts grunting. When asked if she is pooping, she says, “No, ha!” between grunts. Attempts to get her to try sitting on the training potty are met with weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and kicking of legs.
- foods she once loved and ate in large quantities are now left to languish on her plate for multiple meals. Attempts at bribery are met with a firm pushing away of the plate, usually accompanied by a scream of anguish.
- every time the doorbell rings, she yells, “Pizza!” Or that might just mean you order too much pizza. Don’t worry, I won’t judge. Pizza is life.
- you hesitate to go out in public or open your windows because you worry that your neighbors have DHS on speed dial because of the amount of times your child erupts into a temper tantrum and screams her head off like you’re trying to murder her because you are doing something as horrible as brushing her hair. Or giving her a bath (I hope I’m not the only parent on the planet with a child who can have a tub full of bath toys and still scream the entire time). Or her sibling opened the book or played with the toy that she had discarded minutes before. Or you gave her the wrong color of spoon at meal time. Or you didn’t cut up her food the right way. I could go on and on with this one.
- the random babbling and pointing finally turns into actual words which finally turn into the first time you ever hear, “Wuv oo Mommy.” Oh, the humanity. Your insides melt and you basically become the biggest sucker known to mankind. She doesn’t want to eat vegetables ever again? Okay! She wants a cookie with every meal? You bet! Then you snap back into reality and realize that she has found a marker and colored her entire favorite pumpkin pajama pants, top, and her neck and arms in blue. Hey, at least it wasn’t the furniture or the carpet.
- you become exhausted trying to interpret her feelings and be proactive, because her feelings literally change every ten seconds. You finally breathe a sigh of relief when she starts self-identifying her feelings with words, but not for long, because you realize that the only two feelings she can currently name are grumpy and sad. It’s a good thing you have a pretty good handle on what happiness looks like.
- you are constantly engaged in a game I like to call, “Battle of the Wills.” Bonus ten points to the parent who throws a temper tantrum along with the child.
- you are forever walking around with your heart living outside of your body and you fall more and more in love with your child and embrace your crazy life more each day, whether you want to or not. Each night that you go to bed with exhaustion and tears is followed by a morning with a few minutes of wanting to run away and turn in your parent card, but then you remember that each day is a new day, and there is always hope. There is grace. And you face the day with courage and strength that you didn’t even know you had. Just do your best and love your kids. For you may not be the best parent, but you are the best parent for your child.
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